How to NOT go to an AS Roma Game:

1)    A. Pre-pay for tickets online and DO NOT print them out (in Ari’s, Rosy’s and my case);

B. Pre-pay for tickets online and DO print them out (in Eric’s case);

C. Have a family friend leave tickets for you to pick up at the box office (in Jacinta’s and Marisa’s case).

2)    Pre-game the actual game with a homemade “family dinner” at a friend’s house: wine, Italian music, pasta, bread, wine…and more wine.

3)    Leave to go to the game close to two hours in advance to ensure that you get there on time.

4)    Stand for 45 minutes (or more) at the wrong bus stop waiting for the correct-numbered bus headed in the wrong direction.

5)    Watch as a correct-numbered bus headed in the right direction passes by the wrong bus stop, and as a group, make the executive decision that the bus that passed could not possibly be the correct-numbered bus headed in the right direction that would surely stop at the bus stop where you and your friends are still standing.

6)    Finally ask a bus driver on a different line to confirm that you’ve been standing at the wrong bus station waiting for the correct-numbered bus headed in the wrong direction for nearly an hour—then to point you in the direction of the right bus stop for the correct-numbered bus headed in the right direction.

7)    Walk to the right bus stop.

8)    Read the sign for the correct-numbered bus headed in the right direction that tells you that the buses on that line stopped running a half an hour earlier.

9)    Ask another bus driver how to get to the Stadio Olimpico in the cheapest and quickest way possible for the AS Roma game that begins in 45 minutes.

10)  Cheer and board his bus when he tells you that he can take you to the stop for the next bus that will take you to the stadium.

11)  Accept his invitation to guide you (on foot) to the bus stop and give you the correct number to go to the stadium, despite his workday being officially over.

12)  Stand at the bus stop waiting for the new bus for 20 minutes.

13)  Give up on waiting and call a cab to come pick you up to take you and your friends to the fútbol stadium.

14)  Immediately after hanging up with the cab driver, see the correct-numbered bus that you’ve been waiting for pull up to the bus stop.

15)  Get on.

16)  Explain to the cab driver when he calls you back to ask where you are that you decided to take the bus instead.

17)  Listen as he abruptly hangs-up.

18)  Get off the bus at the same stop where two Italian men holding AS Roma scarves get off.

19)  Inconspicuously follow the two Italians to the entrance of the stadium that is littered with empty bottles from the pre-match tailgate that you have obviously missed out on.

20)  Attempt to get into the stadium at the main entrance, despite five of the six people in your group not yet having their tickets because there is no box office in sight.

21)  Get turned away by the gate authorities and told (in Italian because they don’t speak English) to walk down the street to the box office somewhere to the right.

22)  Accept the vagueness of these directions and head right.

23)  Ask another gate-authority-woman and receive the same directions.

24)  Keep walking.

25)  Keep walking.

26)  Ask a third gate-authority-man where to pick up your tickets and receive similar directions to the first two.

27)  Pass what seems like thousands of Vespas and tiny Italian cars, a park surrounded by statues of epically proportioned Roman athletes, and keep walking.

28)  Arrive at the gate where the box office should be.

29)  See that the box office is not currently operating and inquire of yet another gate-authority-man as to why this might be.

30)  Wait as he runs to fetch a gate-authority-woman who speaks broken English.

31)  Listen as she explains that the box office closes at game-time (it is now half an hour past) and that you cannot enter the stadium without your printed tickets, which five of the six people in your group do not have.

32)  Show her the e-mail confirmation of your pre-paid, unprinted online tickets and BEG her to let you in.

33)  Listen to a spontaneous, deafening roar of the crowd from the stadium that is just 200 yards away from your imprisoned position behind the bars of the entrance gate.

34)  Consider assaulting the patient, kind and compassionate gate-authority-woman (6 v. 1) to gain entrance to the stadium.

35)  Decide that drowning your sorrows of rejection in two servings of the best gelato in town is a better idea. Turn and walk away butt-hurt.